When people criticize the way I choose to live
written on Saturday, 5 December 2015 @ 09:13 ♡
My boyfriend and their family keep telling me to get my drivers licence because it keeps getting more and more expensive and I need to have it blah blah blah
I know that they are right with their arguments and that it's very unusual for a girl my age not to have her drivers licence yet but I just have other priorities. Frankly speaking, I don't earn that much money with my job so I'd rather spend it on clothes and other materialistic things and it's just that I really do not need my dl right now. I live very central and I can basically ride my bike or even walk everywhere since neither my university/college nor the city are far away. I literally live next to a tram station so why should I choose to save money for over a year to get the amount I need to do something so pointless? And I don't even want to drive. The idea of driving a car is scary to me. And I really don't understand why it's such a big deal to them. Why do they care?
I mean I get the whole "stop drinking so much Coca Cola Zero, it's not healthy"-thing. But still, why do you want to tell me how to live my life? I can see that their intentions are good and everything but it is really annoying. I'm an adult I can make decisions myself and it's not like they are the ones that should be talking since they drink champagne every friday.
Another thing they usually criticize about me as well is what I'm studying. I'm a "Law of Information" student at a college. Doesn't sound that bad, right? Yeah, no, according to them the faculty I chose to study at is bad since it's not a real university, I guess? But now, tell me, please: Who. The. Fuck. Cares?????????? I fucking chose to study there, I could've gone to this shit ass university, too, if I wanted but guess what; I didn't fucking apply to it because none of the courses looked appealing to me and honestly, I don't think I'm ambitious enough to study something like informatics or engeneering. And my boyfriend his family and also some of his friends keep making fun of me for having a "lower" education, I guess? Well sorry that I WANTED it that way, that I WANTED to study somewhere else.
I think their comments wouldn't even bother me that much if I really enjoyed what I was studying but right now I'm sort of in an existencial cricis since I realised that I do not want to do anything in the field of law which makes the thing I'm studying kind of pointless but they don't know that!! And it's also that in general they make fun of people with lower education I mean why do you care? Why do you feel like you are so much better because of that? Education does not define you as a person you can be educated as fuck and still rape someone for fucks sake...... that's probably the thing pissing me off the most. And the fact that they make fun of lower educated people IN FRONT OF THEM. Not just me but I also saw them doing that in front of others who looked just as annoyed as me.
My boyfriend usually also keeps nagging about how I spend my money. Yes, my fucking money. The money I have earned. The money I work for. At the end of every month when we get our pay I go to amazon and some clothing selling homepages and buy things using the money which, like I already said, I have earned. He and his family just can't understand how I can spend everything.
I've never been good at saving money for anything and there's really nothing I want to save money for right now so why would I do that? For me, buying things is a reward for my hard work. If I don't buy anything I feel like I'm working for nothing, if you know what I mean? And ugh it' just so fucking annoying just let me live my goddamn life fucking hell I really need to talk to him about this issue because I keep getting mad just thinking about it....!!
I know that they are right with their arguments and that it's very unusual for a girl my age not to have her drivers licence yet but I just have other priorities. Frankly speaking, I don't earn that much money with my job so I'd rather spend it on clothes and other materialistic things and it's just that I really do not need my dl right now. I live very central and I can basically ride my bike or even walk everywhere since neither my university/college nor the city are far away. I literally live next to a tram station so why should I choose to save money for over a year to get the amount I need to do something so pointless? And I don't even want to drive. The idea of driving a car is scary to me. And I really don't understand why it's such a big deal to them. Why do they care?
I mean I get the whole "stop drinking so much Coca Cola Zero, it's not healthy"-thing. But still, why do you want to tell me how to live my life? I can see that their intentions are good and everything but it is really annoying. I'm an adult I can make decisions myself and it's not like they are the ones that should be talking since they drink champagne every friday.
Another thing they usually criticize about me as well is what I'm studying. I'm a "Law of Information" student at a college. Doesn't sound that bad, right? Yeah, no, according to them the faculty I chose to study at is bad since it's not a real university, I guess? But now, tell me, please: Who. The. Fuck. Cares?????????? I fucking chose to study there, I could've gone to this shit ass university, too, if I wanted but guess what; I didn't fucking apply to it because none of the courses looked appealing to me and honestly, I don't think I'm ambitious enough to study something like informatics or engeneering. And my boyfriend his family and also some of his friends keep making fun of me for having a "lower" education, I guess? Well sorry that I WANTED it that way, that I WANTED to study somewhere else.
I think their comments wouldn't even bother me that much if I really enjoyed what I was studying but right now I'm sort of in an existencial cricis since I realised that I do not want to do anything in the field of law which makes the thing I'm studying kind of pointless but they don't know that!! And it's also that in general they make fun of people with lower education I mean why do you care? Why do you feel like you are so much better because of that? Education does not define you as a person you can be educated as fuck and still rape someone for fucks sake...... that's probably the thing pissing me off the most. And the fact that they make fun of lower educated people IN FRONT OF THEM. Not just me but I also saw them doing that in front of others who looked just as annoyed as me.
My boyfriend usually also keeps nagging about how I spend my money. Yes, my fucking money. The money I have earned. The money I work for. At the end of every month when we get our pay I go to amazon and some clothing selling homepages and buy things using the money which, like I already said, I have earned. He and his family just can't understand how I can spend everything.
I've never been good at saving money for anything and there's really nothing I want to save money for right now so why would I do that? For me, buying things is a reward for my hard work. If I don't buy anything I feel like I'm working for nothing, if you know what I mean? And ugh it' just so fucking annoying just let me live my goddamn life fucking hell I really need to talk to him about this issue because I keep getting mad just thinking about it....!!
Labels: angry, friends, love, love life, rant, university, work
I lost my virginity
written on Monday, 16 November 2015 @ 17:53 ♡
08.11.2015 - So.. that day I lost my virginity. I was really drunk and my boyfriend of around 2 or 3 months went out partying. I was drunk af tbh but we were having a good time. While we were dancing and enjoying ourselves I somehow got super horny and was all over him the whole time which probably wasn't that appropriate since we were with some friends. I couldn't keep my hands to myself so I asked him if he wanted to go outside and we then started to make out. Hard. I then told him that I wanted to sleep with him tonight and after some time we decided to go to my place and our friends went home as well. At my place I drank a little bit more alcohol bc I was scared that I might chicken out, since sex had always been a huge deal for me. In general letting someone in is anything but easy for me.
So we showered together first and then we went straight to the bed and did it. We used lube since I read online that it would help a lot and put a pillow under my ass haha. I was a little nervous and it hurt a lot at the beginning but then the pain stopped. It didn't feel good or anything, though.
We've done it 2 more times ever since and it still hurts a little when he puts it in but after that I'm fine. I don't feel a sensation, yet but I think that's normal since every woman is different when it comes to sex.
I really like him a lot.
So we showered together first and then we went straight to the bed and did it. We used lube since I read online that it would help a lot and put a pillow under my ass haha. I was a little nervous and it hurt a lot at the beginning but then the pain stopped. It didn't feel good or anything, though.
We've done it 2 more times ever since and it still hurts a little when he puts it in but after that I'm fine. I don't feel a sensation, yet but I think that's normal since every woman is different when it comes to sex.
I really like him a lot.
My first boyfriend
written on Wednesday, 7 October 2015 @ 23:42 ♡
I've been neglecting this blog like crazy and I haven't told anyone about the url change so I don't know if any of my affiliates still visit my page (probably not) but if for some reason you came across my blog and remember that we were/are affies; I'm sorry for not informing you. I just stopped posting on the regular and I feel like me always changing my url is burdening everyone so I didn't inform you... sorry
05.08. - Okay, so I don't really know when whe started to be a couple but our first time hanging out (apparently it wasn't a date.......according to him.. it was one for me though..) was that day.
I've never had a boyfriend before so this everything is kind of confusing and new to me. Before J there has only been one guy I fell for, B. who frankly speaking, broke my heart and spit on it lmfao. Ugly fucking piece of shit.
It took me some time to really fall for J but a few days ago I realised that I might love him. Of course I haven't told him, oh god, I'd never say it first!! I wonder if he feels the same way, though. I still can't believe someone like him is interested in someone like me. He is amazing, cute, attentive, nice af, just perfect.
And I'm just... not like that. At all. Don't get me wrong: I love myself. I think im great but for some reason it's still a mistery to me how some people also think of me as someone who's great,.. if that makes any sense.
I just wonder what he sees in me...
And I am just so fucking scared of being in love with him. Earlier in class, I almost started to cry because I realised how vulnerable I am because of that. One day he'll break up with me and I'll be heart broken. I mean I felt terrible with what happened with B and we NEVER DATED and only hung out a few times... Imagine how I'll feel after my frist boyfriend who I hung out with almost every day breaks up with me.....
Another thing bothering me is that I just really want to make him happy. I want to be attentive as well but it's so hard??????? I mean I feel like it's so easy to make me happy but I literally have no idea what to do to surprise him without spending any money (bc I don't have any atm) and without cooking something (no one wants to eat my food......). I thought about doing one of those "I love you because..."-Jars, but then again, we haven't said the L-word, yet, so...................................
hELP!!
It's so weird having a boyfriend. I think about him all day and when I don't see him I miss him like crazy. That never happened before, even with B. I mean yes, I guess I did miss him over summer break and stuff like that but never like I miss J. But then again part of me thinks that my "love" for B was only imagination since we never really got along that well anyways..
God I just want to talk about him all day and kiss his stupid face what have I become I wonder if I'm that thirsty because I'm on my period rn...... smh
I'm kind of dating someone..?
written on Thursday, 13 August 2015 @ 13:17 ♡
First of all; idk if anyone noticed but I chose not to renew my domain yehet.me since I think it would be a waste of money and bc I'm poor af.. I'm sorry to all my affiliates who have to change my link AGAIN. I'm horrible, I know but ily ok
But let's get back to business.
I haven't been writing much lately since I was rather busy with my exams, work and just life in general.. but a lot has happened.
Some of you might know that I work at a library and that a few co workers kind of hit on me. Lately I've been getting along very well with this guy C. C has a brother J, who also works at the library. C and I have been texting a lot and I thought he was rly nice but in a friend-kinda-way, whereas I thought his brother was annoying even though J and I sometimes talked over WhatsApp bc I thought he was also interested in the same memes as me lmao (turns out he lied..).
One day C asked me out (? I think.. I mean he asked if I wanted to see a movie w him and I said yes but we are talking about watching a movie as friends right and he was like ok... thats literally all he said and we ended up never watching the movie..). A few hours before C asked me out, his brother asked me out too, which was a weird coincidence tbh..
I said yes to J bc he kind of sparked my interest bc he was really mean at first but suddenly turned out to be really nice.
I suggested we go to a bar to drink. That day (05.08. - for future reference) I was actually pretty nervous but it went very well. We went to another bar right after and then to the park and got some more alcohol. After that we went to my place and to McDonald's and then to his place to watch a movie. I didn't think I would hang out with him for such a long time, it was a nice surprise.
The next time we met at my place bc he offered to help me to fix my bike. We then went to get some food and cooked sth and ended up playing a card game, drinking a little and then we decided to watch Big Bang Theory. We were lying in my bed and cuddeling, it was nice. I haven't held someone in a very long time...
At one point I was so sleepy I asked him if he's going to sleep over or if he wants to leave later and he said he'll stay. He had his arms around me and tbh it was really uncomfortable but I liked it so much that I still didn't move lmao I'm such an idiot.
I wasn't able to sleep much but well, whatever..
In the morning he was kind of annoying me though. I thought he was being funny and cute but I'm definitely not a morning person, especially when I only slept for like 3 hours max... so I suggested we watch Parks and Rec (I LOVE THIS SHOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)
At one point he was annoying me so much bc he thought it was hilarious to blow air into my face and I kind of lost it? Like I thought this was his 'special' way of trying to kiss me - since he still hasn't done that ???? - so I turned around, placed my arms on his shoulders and asked him what hes trying to do. He was so shocked it was hilarious lmao he definitely didn't expect that and said nothing oh god my heart is beating so fast rn. I got pissed again that he didn't take this chance, though, and turned around again. Later I told him that it's time for him to leave since I got stuff to do haha
Yesterday we met again and we went to the cinema. I had a really good time. Before I was kind of doubting my feelings for him bc after this one guy who crushed my heart into a thousand pieces :) I haven't liked anyone for real anymore. But now I can't stop thinking about kissing him and it's driving me nuts bc I know that he likes me and I just don't get why he hasn't tried to kiss me yet ITS SO FUCKING FRUSTRATING and oh yes im on my period so there is that...
He's sleeping over on saturday. I'm definitely going to make a move goddamnit!!!!
I made out with an engaged man
written on Saturday, 30 May 2015 @ 23:44 ♡
So the guy I talked about in my previous post, A, he and I continued to text and he didn’t stop flirting even though I mentioned his fiancé and everything. I have to admit, I could’ve easily stopped talking to him but I still thought this whole thing was exciting somehow. I’m an idiot, I know.
So yeah, basically yesterday he asked me to come to visit him at work. I went there an hour earlier than him to, you know, actually study since I do have a few exams comming up soon.
When his shift began I started to get nervous. I mean we hadn’t seen each other after the bus incident.. What if things would be awkward?
Things were alright though. My nervousness disappeared and we talked a little when he came tot he 2nd floor and visited me haha. He then continued to put back some books and then I got a text in which he asked if I wanted to go to this „Cinema room“ where you can watch DVDs and stuff (yes the library I work at is rly cool). I immediately knew that he definitely did not want to just watch a fucking movie and got nervous again. But I agreed to go there, though. I thought hey, I can always leave and I think I’d regret rejecting him so..
We went to this room and chose a zombie movie. When the movie started I noticed him looking at me and when I turned my head he suddenly kissed me. Or should I say attacked me?????
I have little to no experience with kissing so everything was a little overwhelming. Instead of starting slow and with sweet kisses he literally just pushed his tounge down my throat…………… not sexy at all.
I stopped him to kind of clear my thoughts and to remember everything I read about kissing lmao.. but of course I didn’t tell him that. I asked him about his fiancé and how he could do this to her if he loves her. He told me he loves her. So I asked him why he’s kissing me then and he said it was because he likes me. What the fuck. He honestly didn’t have a bad conciousness AT ALL and I don’t think that he understood that what he was doing was wrong. What a fucking moron. But whatever, call me heartless or an egoist but I didn’t really care about all of that. I just needed time to think about whether I’d kiss him again or just leave.
After some awkward silence and me doing a pro and contra list I said ok whatever let’s continue. So we did.
And boy, he kept french kissing me the whole time. . it didn’t get better. And I didn’t feel a thing. He started to touch me, too, which also didn’t really do it for me.
I kind of always imagined us kissing to be a little more… hot?? Exciting?? W a little less tounge??? I thought it would be sexy to do something so „scandalous“ and forbidden I guess, but no,.. nothing.
I just felt empty and bored lol
So then I was like ok.. let’s stop now I’ll continue to study. And he was like right as if you could concentrate now. And I just thought why whouldn’t I be able to???? ITS NOT LIKE ANYTHING EXCITING HAPPENED ???
So yeah.
After that I stayed for another 30mins and then I went to go home. Downstairs he must’ve noticed that I wasn’t happy with the whole sitaution or that I looked disappointed bc he later messaged me „r u ok you looked annoyed“ and I just blamed it on a friend saying that she annoyed me with something instead of telling him that I’m thinking about whether I could pass as an asexual after our make out session…
Labels: first kiss, life, love, love life, work
I fucked up, Episode 666 - A married man
written on Wednesday, 27 May 2015 @ 21:54 ♡
I almost slept with a guy who’s about to get engaged.
Yeah.
I fucked up.
Big time.
It’s a long story but basically it all started when we first worked together. His name is A and at first we didn’t get along that well. Okay, we did get along well but I just didn’t like him that much lmao.
The second time we worked together, we started to talk more and even ended up riding bikes home together and he lent me his jacket and messaged me right away after we seperated to see if I got home safely. I thought it was really cute.
At home I looked him up on Facebook and saw that he had a girlfriend. I thought ok whatever we can be friends, right?
No.
Our conversations soon started to get a little… perverted. We basically sexted each other and whenever we saw each other we would touch a little. Nothing inappropriate but you know, little things like touching the other person’s arm and stuff.
Then I found out he was going to get engaged.
Fucking engaged.
And no, it was not him who told me but another co-worker of mine congratulated him in front of me. I was kind of shocked to be honest. I didn’t expect him to get married. I mean having a girlfriend is one thing but fucking marriage????? Honestly????
Anyway. I decided not to care. I thought hey this is none of my business if he wants to cheat on her that’s not my problem, I’m going to have my fun.
Haha.
I’m such a fucking shit ass idiot. What the fuck was I thinking.
However, I continued to talk to him a lot and our conversations got worse and worse each day. I imagined what it would be like to kiss him and to sleep with him. I liked the idea and somehow I started to fall for him a little.
Our inappropriate texts and irl conversations wouldn’t stop and today he asked me to visit him at work. I decided to go, because, yes, like I said, I’m a fucking idiot.
At the library we work at A and I got along well, like always and he kept making comments about my ass and how pretty he thinks I am.
Of course I didn’t mind that. Who doesn’t want a 22 year old guy who tells you your ass looks good on a daily basis?
Right.
When the other co-workers left and A and I took the bus somehow he ended up putting his hand on my thigh. He started to feel me up a little (I had my bag on my knees so no one saw and we were sitting in the very back of the bus) and we dirty talked a little. He had a boner.
Suddenly I paniked.
I asked myself what the fuck was I doing???
When we got off I think he wanted to kiss me but I just hugged him and ran to get my tram.
I was shaking and I called my best friend and talked to her. And then I talked to some other friends too and asked them for advice. I knew that I definitely do not want to sleep with him. If I wanted to, I wouldn’t have been so scared.
He texted me afterwards and said all those things about how much he wants me and I decided to mention his fiancé. I asked him how he could do this to her and said that I think we shouldn’t be doing what we are doing because it’s not fair to her.
He agreed. I thought things were alright now, but lol no nvm he started to flirt again. And again. And again. I tried to be as nice as possible since I really do like him but just not like that, I think? Also I don’t want things to get weird between us at work.
He agreed. I thought things were alright now, but lol no nvm he started to flirt again. And again. And again. I tried to be as nice as possible since I really do like him but just not like that, I think? Also I don’t want things to get weird between us at work.
LMAO … Right….
Well,.. as you can see… I fucked up. Once again.
Labels: life, life lesson, love, love life, well
+ I lost 4kg, - I hate everyone pt 2
written on Wednesday, 6 May 2015 @ 17:23 ♡
So first of all the good news; I lost 4kg!! It took me 4 weeks which is actually a long time concidering the fact that I once lost 7kg in 3 weeks but then again this time I'm doing it the healthy way and I'm not doing any work-outs at all. I simply try to eat less than 1200kcal per day and walk or ride my bike everywhere.
Now let's talk about the not so pretty things.
To be honest, I always expected to find friends I'm going to have for the rest of my life in university but right now it doesn't seem like it. Everyone I hang out with is super friendly and nice but I just can't seem to really connect w anyone which I didn't mind at first, but now it turnes out that my best friend M is going to leave to study in a different city in September, meaning I'll be all by myself..
Also there is this guy. He's taken but I'm kind of getting interested. I don't know if I'm getting interested in a romantic way or just a friend kinda way but I just find myself wanting to talk to him a lot all the time and it's really fucking frustrating.
And then there's this other guy from my class who I kind of want to hook up with but then again he seems to be VERY experienced to say the least, and I don't know if I could handle the pressure since I'm over here like
Now let's talk about the not so pretty things.
To be honest, I always expected to find friends I'm going to have for the rest of my life in university but right now it doesn't seem like it. Everyone I hang out with is super friendly and nice but I just can't seem to really connect w anyone which I didn't mind at first, but now it turnes out that my best friend M is going to leave to study in a different city in September, meaning I'll be all by myself..
And then there's this other guy from my class who I kind of want to hook up with but then again he seems to be VERY experienced to say the least, and I don't know if I could handle the pressure since I'm over here like
what is a boy....?
Right..
So there is that..
Another thing bothering me is the fact that (I just spilled coke all over my table I think that's a sign from god that he isn't very pleased with me using that picture of Holy Maria to describe my sex life) the guy who broke my heart is happy. I just saw him and his girlfriend going to Zara and god, just looking at them made me want to throw up.
I got back my SHERLOCK DVDs and everything after messaging him frist (!!) and when we met up, he fucking showed up 17 minutes too late. 17 fucking minutes.
I texted him "where r u" and he was all "ohh u r already here?? haha ok im on my way" WHAT THE FUCK I CLEARLY FUCKING SAID LET'S MEET AT 6PM WHAT MADE U THINK THAT BY 6PM I MEAN 6:17???????????? Goddamnit.
And then he forgot to bring my bag.
You know, I originally planned to just get my stuff and leave quietly without starting to talk about my life and everything but when he fucked up again so I decided to fucking gloat about everything that happened lately. Fuck you. I told him about my appartement, my hamster, uni, the party I was visiting after etc etc. and then I was like "ok I g2g I'm meeting someone bye" and left.
Oh, and I forgot to mention that he didn't apologise for being late :)
Just writing about this makes me so angry and mad god I want to rip his head off!!! I don't understand what I liked about him. Why did I think this boy was so special?? I don't understand. What the fuck??
So yeah, I've been busy.
Labels: angry, friends, life, life lesson, love, love life, random, regular, sad, university, weight loss journey
Moving on
written on Saturday, 28 February 2015 @ 14:38 ♡
I guess you could say I sort of moved on. I'm not completely over him since I keep getting annoyed by the fact that he's fucking ignoring me without telling me the reason for it but then again, that's what I also did to several people who I used to be friends with but who started to annoy me over time. Sigh. I hope that one day I meet someone who doesn't make things as complicated and frustrating as he did.
Another guy from my university asked me out. Sadly, not the one I recently started to fancy a little, but someone I had only spoken to once. I guess you could say I always attract the same type of guy: Nerds. I'm not saying nerds can't be attractive or cool, it's just that the ones who approach me usually aren't really my type. Why?
Did I mention that I got a second job at the library? I sent in my letter of application a year ago and finally they had a spot for me. I'm super happy I got the job but on the other hand I hate new situations especially when those situations contain new things I have to learn. New things which I'm bad at doing haha but oh well, I'll do my best.
Btw I changed the design. It's basically just a re-vamp of my old layout I had on Tumblr.
Another guy from my university asked me out. Sadly, not the one I recently started to fancy a little, but someone I had only spoken to once. I guess you could say I always attract the same type of guy: Nerds. I'm not saying nerds can't be attractive or cool, it's just that the ones who approach me usually aren't really my type. Why?
Did I mention that I got a second job at the library? I sent in my letter of application a year ago and finally they had a spot for me. I'm super happy I got the job but on the other hand I hate new situations especially when those situations contain new things I have to learn. New things which I'm bad at doing haha but oh well, I'll do my best.
Btw I changed the design. It's basically just a re-vamp of my old layout I had on Tumblr.
Labels: life, love, love life, university
I let a boy break my heart
written on Tuesday, 17 February 2015 @ 03:17 ♡
It really hurts.
I literally can't remember the last time I cried this much.
Today is the day my first love broke my heart.
My best friend M had an interview today so we went to this big city and generally had a good time. Everything was fine untill we drove home (the way I'm writing this sounds so dramatic lmao but well it really was dramatic so I guess my style of writing is appropriate). M was going to this carneval party later so I helped her to get ready at her house, which means I had to go home by bus. Which means there was a slight chance I would meet my first love B. Of course, I didn't actually believe I would meet him, haha, that would be too much of a coincidence. I mean..., I've met him at the library 3 times by coincidence and about 4 times in the bus in the last couple of months, so today definitely won't be another one of those lucky days, right?
Wrong.
I met him.
I went to the back of the bus and sat down and when we stopped at "his" bus stop, oh surprise, I saw him. My first thought was "Oh shit. I'm wearing the same shirt I wore the last time we met". My second thought was "Whatever! Yay I'm seeing him again!"
He looked at me and I smiled. He smiled back, then he nodded.
It was the kind of nod you give someone you know but don't really talk to.
Then I saw that he was with a gorgeous girl who was holding a big Bouqet with beautiful flowers. Obviously they had a date at his house and probably went to eat or something idk.
Usually, whenever he met me or just saw me somewhere, he ALWAYS walked up to me, hugged me and we talked.
But nope, not today.
The awkward nod was all I got today. He fucking turned around and sat somewhere else with her. Seperately. And I was able to stare at his pretty girlfriend smiling at him and his back. All the seats near me were free, so of course he did that on purpose.
He ignored me.
He fucking ignored me.
What the fuck.
WE SLEPT IN THE SAME BED AND CUDDLED YOU ASSHOLE YOU CAN'T JUST IGNORE ME ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS........
So yeah, my heart broke. I'm pretty sure they are dating and that actually explains a lot.
You know I kept wondering; why didn't he ask me to hang out again? Why doesn't he text me? And when he does, why does he stop replying in the middle of a conversation all the time?
Well, now I know. He has a girlfriend and didn't feel the need to tell me..
I just don't get it though. Why did he do the things he did when he doesn't have any feelings for me or if he thinks I'm annoying? He probably thought I was cool at the beginning but when he got to know me better he decided that I was a pain in the ass and started to slowly ignore me more and more so that he wouldn't have to confront me about how annoying he thinks I am.
I just feel so stupid for believing that we could actually get together at some point. Hell.. Or that he liked me. I am so fucking naive. I hate myself for letting a guy get to me the way he did.
I swear I won't ever get as attached to a guy as much as I was attached to him. I'm done with getting hurt and over-thinking every-fucking-thing a guy said or did. The next time I'm interested in someone I'm going to directly ask where this whole thing is going and I won't run after him like a fucking dog. I'm not going through this again.
I deleted all of his texts. All my screencaps of cute things he said to me. All his Facebook messages. All his pictures.
Thank god.
Of course I cried when I arrived home after seeing them and then I thought "hey, while I'm at it, I can also read this old message on Facebook I found from my father to whom I haven't talked to in 8 years".
Haha, what a great Idea. What a really fucking great Idea.
His message killed me. It made me feel like a horrible person and I cried even more. God, I couldn't stop crying.. My friend called and she was like "Hey how are you?" and I couldn't even say anything I just straight up started to cry and it took me a little to calm down. I told her everything and it helped but well, I needed my best friend M who was at this carneval party as I mentioned earlier.
Thank god M said she'd come. At 12pm we met outside and the moment I saw her I started to cry my eyes out again. This went on for some time and then we ended up walking around in our city and talking.
I'm really lucky to have someone like her in my life. Shes family and I can't imagine life without her. Walking and talking helped me so so so much and I'm alright now.
I mean, yeah, it still hurts and I'm angry and sad because of what happened, but I'm feeling better.
Tomorrow is a new day.
I literally can't remember the last time I cried this much.
Today is the day my first love broke my heart.
My best friend M had an interview today so we went to this big city and generally had a good time. Everything was fine untill we drove home (the way I'm writing this sounds so dramatic lmao but well it really was dramatic so I guess my style of writing is appropriate). M was going to this carneval party later so I helped her to get ready at her house, which means I had to go home by bus. Which means there was a slight chance I would meet my first love B. Of course, I didn't actually believe I would meet him, haha, that would be too much of a coincidence. I mean..., I've met him at the library 3 times by coincidence and about 4 times in the bus in the last couple of months, so today definitely won't be another one of those lucky days, right?
Wrong.
I met him.
I went to the back of the bus and sat down and when we stopped at "his" bus stop, oh surprise, I saw him. My first thought was "Oh shit. I'm wearing the same shirt I wore the last time we met". My second thought was "Whatever! Yay I'm seeing him again!"
He looked at me and I smiled. He smiled back, then he nodded.
It was the kind of nod you give someone you know but don't really talk to.
Then I saw that he was with a gorgeous girl who was holding a big Bouqet with beautiful flowers. Obviously they had a date at his house and probably went to eat or something idk.
Usually, whenever he met me or just saw me somewhere, he ALWAYS walked up to me, hugged me and we talked.
But nope, not today.
The awkward nod was all I got today. He fucking turned around and sat somewhere else with her. Seperately. And I was able to stare at his pretty girlfriend smiling at him and his back. All the seats near me were free, so of course he did that on purpose.
He ignored me.
He fucking ignored me.
What the fuck.
WE SLEPT IN THE SAME BED AND CUDDLED YOU ASSHOLE YOU CAN'T JUST IGNORE ME ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS........
So yeah, my heart broke. I'm pretty sure they are dating and that actually explains a lot.
You know I kept wondering; why didn't he ask me to hang out again? Why doesn't he text me? And when he does, why does he stop replying in the middle of a conversation all the time?
Well, now I know. He has a girlfriend and didn't feel the need to tell me..
I just don't get it though. Why did he do the things he did when he doesn't have any feelings for me or if he thinks I'm annoying? He probably thought I was cool at the beginning but when he got to know me better he decided that I was a pain in the ass and started to slowly ignore me more and more so that he wouldn't have to confront me about how annoying he thinks I am.
I just feel so stupid for believing that we could actually get together at some point. Hell.. Or that he liked me. I am so fucking naive. I hate myself for letting a guy get to me the way he did.
I swear I won't ever get as attached to a guy as much as I was attached to him. I'm done with getting hurt and over-thinking every-fucking-thing a guy said or did. The next time I'm interested in someone I'm going to directly ask where this whole thing is going and I won't run after him like a fucking dog. I'm not going through this again.
I deleted all of his texts. All my screencaps of cute things he said to me. All his Facebook messages. All his pictures.
Thank god.
Of course I cried when I arrived home after seeing them and then I thought "hey, while I'm at it, I can also read this old message on Facebook I found from my father to whom I haven't talked to in 8 years".
Haha, what a great Idea. What a really fucking great Idea.
His message killed me. It made me feel like a horrible person and I cried even more. God, I couldn't stop crying.. My friend called and she was like "Hey how are you?" and I couldn't even say anything I just straight up started to cry and it took me a little to calm down. I told her everything and it helped but well, I needed my best friend M who was at this carneval party as I mentioned earlier.
Thank god M said she'd come. At 12pm we met outside and the moment I saw her I started to cry my eyes out again. This went on for some time and then we ended up walking around in our city and talking.
I'm really lucky to have someone like her in my life. Shes family and I can't imagine life without her. Walking and talking helped me so so so much and I'm alright now.
I mean, yeah, it still hurts and I'm angry and sad because of what happened, but I'm feeling better.
Tomorrow is a new day.
Labels: angry, life, life lesson, love, love life, sad, thoughts
Actually,
written on Thursday, 29 January 2015 @ 20:43 ♡
Restarting this blog and closing blog.yehet.me was a really good idea. I don't feel as obligated to post as much anymore and that actually makes me want to write more. I miss having affiliates and people to talk to, though. I'll probably message some of those people soon so that they know I still exist.
Today I had my first exam at uni. I hope I passed /sigh
Yesterday I coloured my hair and it's darker than expected. I hated it at first but now I'm actually starting to like it. I feel like my hair reflects my emotional crisis perfectly and I really like the way I look when I combine it with dark red lipstick. I'm planning on buying some new ones by MAC as soon as I get my salery.
I snapchatted my crush today because I looked good and he replied. Halleluja! But still no sign of him asking me to hang out again. I need to get a life and move on, seriously.
Today I had my first exam at uni. I hope I passed /sigh
Yesterday I coloured my hair and it's darker than expected. I hated it at first but now I'm actually starting to like it. I feel like my hair reflects my emotional crisis perfectly and I really like the way I look when I combine it with dark red lipstick. I'm planning on buying some new ones by MAC as soon as I get my salery.
I snapchatted my crush today because I looked good and he replied. Halleluja! But still no sign of him asking me to hang out again. I need to get a life and move on, seriously.
Labels: just me thinking out loud, life, love, university
I feel like crying
written on Tuesday, 27 January 2015 @ 20:55 ♡
Today my mum needs more money so she got herself a second job. It's at the same grocery store I work at. Great, huh? Now everytime she works I will be there too :)))) Totally awesome, right?!? And the best part is the bakery she works at is exactly in front of the checkout I usually sit at. Isn't life perfect these days?
My crush doesn't give a shit about me, I guess I interpreted everything the wrong way. He stopped replying to my messages and didn't snap me back. He didn't ask me to meet again and just in general I get the feeling that this is not working out. I guess I was just bothering him.
I hate that I am looking at my phone every 5 seconds because he MIGHT've messaged me. I should just turn it off and leave it at home..
I don't get it. What the fuck have I done to deserve this shit? I know, I know, there are people who have it far worse, I KNOW. But that doesn't make my problems any less valid. I honestly just want to cry everything sucks so much..
Right now I'm trying really hard not to break down in tears because of all the shitty things happening to me lately. University is also stressing me out and my best friend is away and there isn't really anyone else I want to talk to besides her.
I just want to quit everything and move somewhere far away and start over. But then again I am not brave enough and I would miss too many people.
Labels: love, love life, rant, sad, university
My first love
written on Saturday, 24 January 2015 @ 17:32 ♡
He is probably the only guy I ever really had feelings for. Ever since that one time he sat down with me and listened to all the shit problems I had that time and gave me advice there hasn't been anyone else for me. That was in 9th or 10th grade, three years ago. Back then we didn't talk that much outside from Facebook since I never knew what to say to him irl and also I didn't dare to approach him. I guess that was because I put him on some sort of pedestal. He was one of the popular guys in my eyes and I never understood how someone with as many friends as him could talk to me. I still know exactly how excited I got when he asked me for my number. I liked him so much I even ended up drinking over him with my best friend, who also had heart ache over a stupid boy.
After graduation last year we still occasionally talked on WhatsApp or Snapchat and one day he ended up sending me this really long message about how he still remembers everything we "went through", I guess. I then asked him if he wants to meet up for coffee sometimes, since I really missed him. My feelings for him have been on and off throughout those 3 years and the day we met I was so disappointed. He seemed in a bad mood and overall the whole thing was awkward even though we talked for 2 hours or something. After that day we didn't talk as much anymore and my feelings were pretty much gone.
At the beginning of January this year he then suddenly asked me to hang out again since I told him I just downloaded the first season of Misfits and he said he'd like to watch it together. I was surprised but agreed to meet at his place and holy fuck, I got really excited even though I didn't feel anything for him anymore. Maybe I only felt like this because I had never been at a guy's house ALONE before.
His room was nice.
When we were sitting on his bed watching the show, all I could think of was making out with him and even more. I have literally never ever wanted to sleep with a guy I know in real life; usually I used to swoon over Zayn Malik or Dylan O'Brien... So yeah, there was that.
At one point he got a blanket for us and our shoulders and legs touched and it drove me so crazy I couldn't focus on the goddamn show. I remember that the moment I got out of the bus and I had to leave him, I instantly missed him again.
Two weeks passed and I asked him if he wants to come over to my place to watch the second season of Misfits. My mum was in Poland so it wasn't as uncomfortable as I imagined when he came to my house. We watched the first 4 episodes of the show and then I suggested to play Monopoly. Playing games is kind of our thing, I guess. I usually lose at everything and he ends up being the champion so this time I wanted to win! As a joke I suggested to play "the adult verison" of the game, using vodka and he actually agreed to it. Of course, I lost.. again and when I couldn't pay rent for this one street he asked me to hand over my sweater in return. He had always fancied that Iron Man sweater I once got from the UrbanOutfitters men's section. It suited him really well and if it wasn't my favourite sweater, I would've let him keep it. Since I lost, I was wasted but he on the other hand only drank 3 glasses at most, so he was only a little drunk. I don't really remember how that happened but he started to read my Tumblr messages and I freaked out.
I remembered that there are messages of me talking about HIM to some other people on there and I got so scared he might read them so I tried stopping him. We ended up "fighting" on my bed and the whole time we were basically holding hands and our fingers were entertwining. He made me hug him from behind and he tickled me. At some point my head was lying on his legs and shit and god I just really wanted to kiss him but I didn't dare to. I don't know who suggested it but when we finished our little fight we decided to watch a horror movie. It was around 3am.
He got a blanket again and we kind of snuggled up underneath it. Fucking hell just thinking about this makes me want to throw up because of those shit ass butterflies in my stomach...... Because it was so late I asked him if he wants to sleep over and he said yes. When we finished watching the movie I went to get ready for bed and layed next to him. I didn't think much about it but when I woke up the next morning I almost had a heart attack. THERE WAS A MAN IN MY BED!!! I actually had a guy sleeping next to me holy fuck how did that happen.....................???? But well, it was nice and I REALLY wanted to hug him (and do other stuff hehe) but again, I didn't have the courage to do that so I just stared at him from time to time like a total creep. When he woke up for real I pretended to wake up too and we just sat around and talked and stuff. It was a little awkward for me to be honest, but still nice, I guess?
He ended up staying at my house till 7pm and when he left he returned my sweater which I still haven't washed because it smells like him (and god, when he took it off I could see his back...........I LOVE men's backs..........so much....so.so..so... so much).
FML someone please make this stop I feel like a crazy person. Whatever I do, I think of him and how he touched me. This is the worst...
We actually planned to meet again a few days after but he got sick so now I'm left sitting on my bed remembering what it felt like hugging him.
I really like this boy :(
After graduation last year we still occasionally talked on WhatsApp or Snapchat and one day he ended up sending me this really long message about how he still remembers everything we "went through", I guess. I then asked him if he wants to meet up for coffee sometimes, since I really missed him. My feelings for him have been on and off throughout those 3 years and the day we met I was so disappointed. He seemed in a bad mood and overall the whole thing was awkward even though we talked for 2 hours or something. After that day we didn't talk as much anymore and my feelings were pretty much gone.
At the beginning of January this year he then suddenly asked me to hang out again since I told him I just downloaded the first season of Misfits and he said he'd like to watch it together. I was surprised but agreed to meet at his place and holy fuck, I got really excited even though I didn't feel anything for him anymore. Maybe I only felt like this because I had never been at a guy's house ALONE before.
His room was nice.
When we were sitting on his bed watching the show, all I could think of was making out with him and even more. I have literally never ever wanted to sleep with a guy I know in real life; usually I used to swoon over Zayn Malik or Dylan O'Brien... So yeah, there was that.
At one point he got a blanket for us and our shoulders and legs touched and it drove me so crazy I couldn't focus on the goddamn show. I remember that the moment I got out of the bus and I had to leave him, I instantly missed him again.
Two weeks passed and I asked him if he wants to come over to my place to watch the second season of Misfits. My mum was in Poland so it wasn't as uncomfortable as I imagined when he came to my house. We watched the first 4 episodes of the show and then I suggested to play Monopoly. Playing games is kind of our thing, I guess. I usually lose at everything and he ends up being the champion so this time I wanted to win! As a joke I suggested to play "the adult verison" of the game, using vodka and he actually agreed to it. Of course, I lost.. again and when I couldn't pay rent for this one street he asked me to hand over my sweater in return. He had always fancied that Iron Man sweater I once got from the UrbanOutfitters men's section. It suited him really well and if it wasn't my favourite sweater, I would've let him keep it. Since I lost, I was wasted but he on the other hand only drank 3 glasses at most, so he was only a little drunk. I don't really remember how that happened but he started to read my Tumblr messages and I freaked out.
I remembered that there are messages of me talking about HIM to some other people on there and I got so scared he might read them so I tried stopping him. We ended up "fighting" on my bed and the whole time we were basically holding hands and our fingers were entertwining. He made me hug him from behind and he tickled me. At some point my head was lying on his legs and shit and god I just really wanted to kiss him but I didn't dare to. I don't know who suggested it but when we finished our little fight we decided to watch a horror movie. It was around 3am.
He got a blanket again and we kind of snuggled up underneath it. Fucking hell just thinking about this makes me want to throw up because of those shit ass butterflies in my stomach...... Because it was so late I asked him if he wants to sleep over and he said yes. When we finished watching the movie I went to get ready for bed and layed next to him. I didn't think much about it but when I woke up the next morning I almost had a heart attack. THERE WAS A MAN IN MY BED!!! I actually had a guy sleeping next to me holy fuck how did that happen.....................???? But well, it was nice and I REALLY wanted to hug him (and do other stuff hehe) but again, I didn't have the courage to do that so I just stared at him from time to time like a total creep. When he woke up for real I pretended to wake up too and we just sat around and talked and stuff. It was a little awkward for me to be honest, but still nice, I guess?
He ended up staying at my house till 7pm and when he left he returned my sweater which I still haven't washed because it smells like him (and god, when he took it off I could see his back...........I LOVE men's backs..........so much....so.so..so... so much).
FML someone please make this stop I feel like a crazy person. Whatever I do, I think of him and how he touched me. This is the worst...
We actually planned to meet again a few days after but he got sick so now I'm left sitting on my bed remembering what it felt like hugging him.
I really like this boy :(
best thing about 2013: it’s over in a week
written on Sunday, 22 December 2013 @ 23:50 ♡
I haven't been updating nor answering messages on here for quite some time and I truly apologise for that. I was having a hard time because of school. My A Levels are in roughly 3 months and I've been writing so many exams lately, meaning = EXTREMELY STRESSED!!!
Finally now, it's christmas break! (I STILL HAVE TO BUY SOME PRESENTS HELP)
This friday was horrible. I only had one fucking hour of school and I was even able to decide whether I would go or not and the good girl I am I went, just so that I could get my english exam back and it turns out thAT AGAIN, EVEN AFTER STUDYING SO MOTHERFUCKING MUCH FOR IT I ONLY GOT A C-. IS. THIS. FUCKING. BITCH. FUCKING. KIDDING. ME ?????????? I used to always have a B+ or at least a B.
Ever since the class trip to England, Cornwall she hates me and I recieve nothing but bad grades. Do you know how many times I stayed up till 1am doing stuff for English class just because this fucking bitch has such high standarts?? I even once stayed up till 3am and had to skip french class the next day just so that I could finish all of her big ass assignments and still get some sleep. This woman is mental!!
Do you know how many mails she sent us the past two years? 317. THREE-HUNDRED-SEVENTEEN MOTHERFUCKING MAILS, which mostly contain assignments and articles we are supposed to read added to the homework she gives us during our lessons.
So there is that.
Despite my math exam, another thing bothering me is my former crush. Things are normal again between us, we are back to being friends but somehow I am still disappointed that he is not the guy I thought he were, but that's okay, I guess. I would still really love to be closer friends although I don't think that'll happen anytime soon since we NEVER met outside from school. I kind of gave him hints that I would like to hang out some time, but either he doesn't want to because he's afraid that I'm hitting on him, or he just didn't get it. Whatever the reason is, it sucks.
I really want to start over. My life is so boring and dull right now and I kind of just feel really empty. I hope 2014 will be better than 2008-2013...
By the way, I finished watching The Heirs. I hated the ending.
But I will post more later.
Finally now, it's christmas break! (I STILL HAVE TO BUY SOME PRESENTS HELP)
This friday was horrible. I only had one fucking hour of school and I was even able to decide whether I would go or not and the good girl I am I went, just so that I could get my english exam back and it turns out thAT AGAIN, EVEN AFTER STUDYING SO MOTHERFUCKING MUCH FOR IT I ONLY GOT A C-. IS. THIS. FUCKING. BITCH. FUCKING. KIDDING. ME ?????????? I used to always have a B+ or at least a B.
Ever since the class trip to England, Cornwall she hates me and I recieve nothing but bad grades. Do you know how many times I stayed up till 1am doing stuff for English class just because this fucking bitch has such high standarts?? I even once stayed up till 3am and had to skip french class the next day just so that I could finish all of her big ass assignments and still get some sleep. This woman is mental!!
Do you know how many mails she sent us the past two years? 317. THREE-HUNDRED-SEVENTEEN MOTHERFUCKING MAILS, which mostly contain assignments and articles we are supposed to read added to the homework she gives us during our lessons.
So there is that.
Despite my math exam, another thing bothering me is my former crush. Things are normal again between us, we are back to being friends but somehow I am still disappointed that he is not the guy I thought he were, but that's okay, I guess. I would still really love to be closer friends although I don't think that'll happen anytime soon since we NEVER met outside from school. I kind of gave him hints that I would like to hang out some time, but either he doesn't want to because he's afraid that I'm hitting on him, or he just didn't get it. Whatever the reason is, it sucks.
I really want to start over. My life is so boring and dull right now and I kind of just feel really empty. I hope 2014 will be better than 2008-2013...
By the way, I finished watching The Heirs. I hated the ending.
But I will post more later.
Note to myself: All boys are the same.
written on Wednesday, 20 November 2013 @ 23:52 ♡
Forget all that rubbish about "wanting to drink". I don't know what had gotten into me. I am so dumb. Drinking won't make me feel better and partying certainly won't, either. I think the reason why I felt the need to drink more alcohol was only because I somehow wanted to have fun the easy way. School is just so tiring lately and all I want to do is have a little more free-time without the pressure of having to finish a fucking essay or reading 600 pages of a novel which is boring me to death.
Today I realized something which made me really sad. This guy I used to have a crush on (I think I referred to him as K) and who I thought was so "special", "not like everybody else" and "a good person", he is just like every other guy in my school. I am, too, though, which is kind of disappointing since I always assumed I really was different. But don't we all think that? Anyways, that's another tale to tell. Right now I only want to write about how wrong I was about him.
When we first started to talk, to me, he was the nicest and most perfect person on earth. I had the impression that he was caring, sweet and yes, different. I thought he was perfect and I immediately fell for him.
We texted a lot, like really, a LOT, and I got to know him better, or at least that's what I thought, and I still thought he was flawless. Haha stupid me. Of course in reality he isn't like that.
Lately we've been talking, not just textingwell also texting but u know what i mean, more in school and even outside from school, and I get to see what he's really like. I can't really bring myself to describe his whole character now, since I am still fucking pissed for believing he was such a good guy and everything.
Today I realized something which made me really sad. This guy I used to have a crush on (I think I referred to him as K) and who I thought was so "special", "not like everybody else" and "a good person", he is just like every other guy in my school. I am, too, though, which is kind of disappointing since I always assumed I really was different. But don't we all think that? Anyways, that's another tale to tell. Right now I only want to write about how wrong I was about him.
When we first started to talk, to me, he was the nicest and most perfect person on earth. I had the impression that he was caring, sweet and yes, different. I thought he was perfect and I immediately fell for him.
We texted a lot, like really, a LOT, and I got to know him better, or at least that's what I thought, and I still thought he was flawless. Haha stupid me. Of course in reality he isn't like that.
Lately we've been talking, not just texting
Life
written on Tuesday, 22 October 2013 @ 03:53 ♡
Why can't things be easier?
When I was in England with my Advanced English course I realized how unexperienced and what a prude I am. Everyone, fucking EVERYONE had already at least kissed someone. Everyone, but me.
Most of the people also had had their first time.
I just feel like something is wrong with me. I know, I know; It's okay to not have done all those things and one day my time will come blah blah. But really? I just cant help it and doubt this. What if I never find my soul mate? I usually joke about it, but what if I really die alone?
This is ridiculous. I am only 18, yet I am afraid as fuck.
I don't want to have my first kiss when I'm 35 or something.
Sometimes I think about just going to a party and make out with some stranger who'll probably not remember anything the next day. But then again, I don't want to be that kind of girl (I mean it's okay if you are and stuff it's just not the right thing for me to do, I think). I want my frist kiss to be special and with someone I really like.
The Guys In My Class
written on Tuesday, 17 September 2013 @ 20:46 ♡
I had a shit day. It was really fucking horrible!!!
First thing that happend was that my phone broke. I accidently threw it on the ground and now it's not working anymore and I need to use one of my mum's old Nokia phones [CLICK] until they fix my Sony Ericsson Xperia.
The second thing that happened is even worse.
Today in Philosophy class our teacher told us to get into groups of 4 and talk about fundamental rights. I don't really have any friends in this class so I asked K, my former crush (who I used to text with a lot), whether I could join him and his friends and he was like "all right sure" so I did.
And that's when it all started.
They made so incredibly fucking much fun about women.
I couldn't believe it. To be honest, yes, it was funny at the beginning.. for the frist 10 minutes.. but then they just went completely overboard and exaggerated waaayy too much. I was getting extremely pissed and even K was laughing with them and making fun of ME and the entire female population, too!!
FUCKING HELL WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH GUYS THESE DAYS????
Literally every guy I've ever known turned out to be a douche bag. You know, I actually believe that I am going to stay single forever because there IS no guy worth spending time with. I mean, I really tried to find one but there isn't. They are all the same.
I am now going to ignore K and his fucking shit-ass-friends for the rest of my school career, since honestly, I deserve better than this.
Another great example for the guys at my school is this other guy I once used to be friends with who walked up to me today and literally started our conversation with telling me what a great ass this woman he saw in the train this morning had. Fucking fuck why the fuck would I fucking want to know about some fucking ass??? What the fuck is wrong with you, mate?? Stop telling me useless stuff I don't fucking care about GODDAMNIT!!
First thing that happend was that my phone broke. I accidently threw it on the ground and now it's not working anymore and I need to use one of my mum's old Nokia phones [CLICK] until they fix my Sony Ericsson Xperia.
The second thing that happened is even worse.
Today in Philosophy class our teacher told us to get into groups of 4 and talk about fundamental rights. I don't really have any friends in this class so I asked K, my former crush (who I used to text with a lot), whether I could join him and his friends and he was like "all right sure" so I did.
And that's when it all started.
They made so incredibly fucking much fun about women.
I couldn't believe it. To be honest, yes, it was funny at the beginning.. for the frist 10 minutes.. but then they just went completely overboard and exaggerated waaayy too much. I was getting extremely pissed and even K was laughing with them and making fun of ME and the entire female population, too!!
FUCKING HELL WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH GUYS THESE DAYS????
Literally every guy I've ever known turned out to be a douche bag. You know, I actually believe that I am going to stay single forever because there IS no guy worth spending time with. I mean, I really tried to find one but there isn't. They are all the same.
I am now going to ignore K and his fucking shit-ass-friends for the rest of my school career, since honestly, I deserve better than this.
Another great example for the guys at my school is this other guy I once used to be friends with who walked up to me today and literally started our conversation with telling me what a great ass this woman he saw in the train this morning had. Fucking fuck why the fuck would I fucking want to know about some fucking ass??? What the fuck is wrong with you, mate?? Stop telling me useless stuff I don't fucking care about GODDAMNIT!!
Perks of being antisocial
written on Saturday, 31 August 2013 @ 02:08 ♡
So I was at this "event"/"party" or whatever you want to call it and once again I realized how socially awkward I am.
I went with two friends and when some of our class mates showed up and basically joined us, I noticed that I have absolutely NOTHING to talk to them about. And I also don't really want to talk to them either, which doesn't necessarily help very much. My best friend and I just kind of stood there awkwardly, while our other friend socialized.
And if that wasn't enough I also embarassed myself in front of K who I hit very hard when he walked passed me because he probably didn't recognize me since it was really dark. He was rather surprised and idk if I pissed him off oh lord..
This whole evening was so horrible. Oh god I just felt so unconfortable and wanted to leave.
Which I did, as you can see.
You know, I think that's just not who I am. I'm not a social person who can drink alcohol and do whatever the fuck she wants without second thoughts. I am not someone who can pretend to be friends with people they don't like. I am not someone who's outgoing and I am definitely not someone who can flirt. I am going to die alone.
Well, at least I realized that! So now I don't need to feel pressured to go out and do stuff because I clearly dislike being around people..
And btw, K asked me for my number after giving me several hints that he's now using whatsapp bc he got a new phone and blahblah which I perfectly ignored but then he finally built up the courage hahahah
I went with two friends and when some of our class mates showed up and basically joined us, I noticed that I have absolutely NOTHING to talk to them about. And I also don't really want to talk to them either, which doesn't necessarily help very much. My best friend and I just kind of stood there awkwardly, while our other friend socialized.
And if that wasn't enough I also embarassed myself in front of K who I hit very hard when he walked passed me because he probably didn't recognize me since it was really dark. He was rather surprised and idk if I pissed him off oh lord..
This whole evening was so horrible. Oh god I just felt so unconfortable and wanted to leave.
Which I did, as you can see.
You know, I think that's just not who I am. I'm not a social person who can drink alcohol and do whatever the fuck she wants without second thoughts. I am not someone who can pretend to be friends with people they don't like. I am not someone who's outgoing and I am definitely not someone who can flirt. I am going to die alone.
Well, at least I realized that! So now I don't need to feel pressured to go out and do stuff because I clearly dislike being around people..
And btw, K asked me for my number after giving me several hints that he's now using whatsapp bc he got a new phone and blahblah which I perfectly ignored but then he finally built up the courage hahahah
Ugh
written on Wednesday, 28 August 2013 @ 00:20 ♡
The guy I had a crush on, K, he is kind of strange
Today I also started to talk a teeny-tiny bit to his really close friend and we are getting along quite well, too. I wonder what kind of person he is...
I DONT WANT TO GO TO SCHOOL TOMORROW!! Today's french lessons were horrible enough since we had to practice for this conversation-test in front of the whole fucking class. I don't think you understand how unconfortable I felt.
Monday, first day of school
written on Monday, 19 August 2013 @ 22:55 ♡
Well, I have to admit it wasn't as bad as I imagined it to be. I mean, of course there were people who pissed me off and stuff but to be fair; now I can finally bitch about them again!!
I saw my crush today and we smiled at each other but there were no butterflies. I don't know why the fuck this is always happening but somehow I feel like I don't like him anymore? again???
I mean we had this plenary session he sat next to one of his girl friends and she was being all touchy and everything, there was no heartache or anything at all. Which is good because I need to focus on school now, not on boys...
I saw my crush today and we smiled at each other but there were no butterflies. I don't know why the fuck this is always happening but somehow I feel like I don't like him anymore? again???
I mean we had this plenary session he sat next to one of his girl friends and she was being all touchy and everything, there was no heartache or anything at all. Which is good because I need to focus on school now, not on boys...
My crush
written on Thursday, 8 August 2013 @ 03:14 ♡
So this guy I used to like (I blogged a lot about him on omashu), he keeps texting me and everything and I just don't know what he wants.
I'm now going to write down the whole "development" of our relationship just to clear my mind, so ignore this post if you're not into reading thoughts of a desperate and totally lost teenager.
How everything started
The new school year started which meant we would get new courses with new people. He, let's call him K, sat next to me in order to sit near his friends. During the whole year we didn't really talk that much but you know, we got along very well. We never texted though.
Real-Talk!
We had january or february and it was so cold that one wasn't able to use the public transport anymore because everything was frozen, so I had to actually walk to school, since my mum didn't allow me to stay at home. After falling on the ground several times I finally arrived in school just to find out that ALL MY CLASSES HAVE BEEN CANCELLED
I basically went to school for nothing. Well, there was this plenary session sceduled for later which is why I decided to stay anyways. K and his friend where the only people around who also didn't have any classes which is why I, after giving it some thoughts, decided to walk up to them and ask them if I could join them. K's friend ignored us and listened to music whereas K talked to me and man, I basically told him everything that was bothering me that time and he gave me advice. We ended up being late for this plenary session which only lasted for 10 miNUTES??? and then the school allowed everyone to go home.
Facebook
Then he started to message me on Facebook. We talked about some really deep stuff and to be honest, I was shocked!! I NEVER TALKED TO A GUY LIKE THAT BEFORE. Every guy I've ever been friends with has been a total jerk but he seemed different.
Hints
Of course I fell for him, who wouldn't; he's such a sweet guy.. So I started to give him hints but he didn't really give any response and honestly, after basically getting rejected, I felt like shit. I listened to the saddest songs I could find but as you can see read, I'm still alive. So yeah, I got over it.
We didn't stop texting, everything was still normal and every once in a while we talked in school. Hanging out in school is still kind of difficult because sadly, we both have completely different friends and I don't even know if he wants to hang out in school. See that's the problem. I don't know wHAT HE WANTS???????
He also gives me compliments well sort of... and sometimes K says really weird things but I don't know I just...?????
Current Situation
Since we are having summer break and he's abroad, there is absolutely no way we were/are going to see each other.
I also stopped messaging K first at the beginning of our hollidays and I didn't hear from him for 2-3 weeks so I assumed our "friendship" or whatever that was/is was over. But he got in touch with me again and yeah,...we are now talking again?
It's weird.
Really really weird.
What the hell does he want from me? I mean talking online is nice and everything but I don't want an online friendship I ALREADY HAVE ONLINE FRIENDS U FUCKING DOUCHEBAG I want to be friends in real life. ONLY FRIENDS. Yes I am over him, or at least I deeply hope that I am .. anyways, my point is; CAN HE PLEASE TELL ME WHAT THE FRICK IS GOING ON BECAUSE I REALLY WANT TO KNOW IF HE LIKES ME OR NOT PLEASE JUST TELL ME ALREADY
It takes every fucking ounce of my self control not to just yell at him ughhhhhhhh
I mean, he didn't respond to my hints which implied that I would like to hangout with him some time. That means he doesn't even want to be friends, right? There was also a time when we completely avoided each other in school.. so that's another sign, isn't it?
So why does he keep messaging me?
I don't get it.