I let a boy break my heart
written on Tuesday, 17 February 2015 @ 03:17 ♡
It really hurts.
I literally can't remember the last time I cried this much.
Today is the day my first love broke my heart.
My best friend M had an interview today so we went to this big city and generally had a good time. Everything was fine untill we drove home (the way I'm writing this sounds so dramatic lmao but well it really was dramatic so I guess my style of writing is appropriate). M was going to this carneval party later so I helped her to get ready at her house, which means I had to go home by bus. Which means there was a slight chance I would meet my first love B. Of course, I didn't actually believe I would meet him, haha, that would be too much of a coincidence. I mean..., I've met him at the library 3 times by coincidence and about 4 times in the bus in the last couple of months, so today definitely won't be another one of those lucky days, right?
Wrong.
I met him.
I went to the back of the bus and sat down and when we stopped at "his" bus stop, oh surprise, I saw him. My first thought was "Oh shit. I'm wearing the same shirt I wore the last time we met". My second thought was "Whatever! Yay I'm seeing him again!"
He looked at me and I smiled. He smiled back, then he nodded.
It was the kind of nod you give someone you know but don't really talk to.
Then I saw that he was with a gorgeous girl who was holding a big Bouqet with beautiful flowers. Obviously they had a date at his house and probably went to eat or something idk.
Usually, whenever he met me or just saw me somewhere, he ALWAYS walked up to me, hugged me and we talked.
But nope, not today.
The awkward nod was all I got today. He fucking turned around and sat somewhere else with her. Seperately. And I was able to stare at his pretty girlfriend smiling at him and his back. All the seats near me were free, so of course he did that on purpose.
He ignored me.
He fucking ignored me.
What the fuck.
WE SLEPT IN THE SAME BED AND CUDDLED YOU ASSHOLE YOU CAN'T JUST IGNORE ME ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS........
So yeah, my heart broke. I'm pretty sure they are dating and that actually explains a lot.
You know I kept wondering; why didn't he ask me to hang out again? Why doesn't he text me? And when he does, why does he stop replying in the middle of a conversation all the time?
Well, now I know. He has a girlfriend and didn't feel the need to tell me..
I just don't get it though. Why did he do the things he did when he doesn't have any feelings for me or if he thinks I'm annoying? He probably thought I was cool at the beginning but when he got to know me better he decided that I was a pain in the ass and started to slowly ignore me more and more so that he wouldn't have to confront me about how annoying he thinks I am.
I just feel so stupid for believing that we could actually get together at some point. Hell.. Or that he liked me. I am so fucking naive. I hate myself for letting a guy get to me the way he did.
I swear I won't ever get as attached to a guy as much as I was attached to him. I'm done with getting hurt and over-thinking every-fucking-thing a guy said or did. The next time I'm interested in someone I'm going to directly ask where this whole thing is going and I won't run after him like a fucking dog. I'm not going through this again.
I deleted all of his texts. All my screencaps of cute things he said to me. All his Facebook messages. All his pictures.
Thank god.
Of course I cried when I arrived home after seeing them and then I thought "hey, while I'm at it, I can also read this old message on Facebook I found from my father to whom I haven't talked to in 8 years".
Haha, what a great Idea. What a really fucking great Idea.
His message killed me. It made me feel like a horrible person and I cried even more. God, I couldn't stop crying.. My friend called and she was like "Hey how are you?" and I couldn't even say anything I just straight up started to cry and it took me a little to calm down. I told her everything and it helped but well, I needed my best friend M who was at this carneval party as I mentioned earlier.
Thank god M said she'd come. At 12pm we met outside and the moment I saw her I started to cry my eyes out again. This went on for some time and then we ended up walking around in our city and talking.
I'm really lucky to have someone like her in my life. Shes family and I can't imagine life without her. Walking and talking helped me so so so much and I'm alright now.
I mean, yeah, it still hurts and I'm angry and sad because of what happened, but I'm feeling better.
Tomorrow is a new day.
I literally can't remember the last time I cried this much.
Today is the day my first love broke my heart.
My best friend M had an interview today so we went to this big city and generally had a good time. Everything was fine untill we drove home (the way I'm writing this sounds so dramatic lmao but well it really was dramatic so I guess my style of writing is appropriate). M was going to this carneval party later so I helped her to get ready at her house, which means I had to go home by bus. Which means there was a slight chance I would meet my first love B. Of course, I didn't actually believe I would meet him, haha, that would be too much of a coincidence. I mean..., I've met him at the library 3 times by coincidence and about 4 times in the bus in the last couple of months, so today definitely won't be another one of those lucky days, right?
Wrong.
I met him.
I went to the back of the bus and sat down and when we stopped at "his" bus stop, oh surprise, I saw him. My first thought was "Oh shit. I'm wearing the same shirt I wore the last time we met". My second thought was "Whatever! Yay I'm seeing him again!"
He looked at me and I smiled. He smiled back, then he nodded.
It was the kind of nod you give someone you know but don't really talk to.
Then I saw that he was with a gorgeous girl who was holding a big Bouqet with beautiful flowers. Obviously they had a date at his house and probably went to eat or something idk.
Usually, whenever he met me or just saw me somewhere, he ALWAYS walked up to me, hugged me and we talked.
But nope, not today.
The awkward nod was all I got today. He fucking turned around and sat somewhere else with her. Seperately. And I was able to stare at his pretty girlfriend smiling at him and his back. All the seats near me were free, so of course he did that on purpose.
He ignored me.
He fucking ignored me.
What the fuck.
WE SLEPT IN THE SAME BED AND CUDDLED YOU ASSHOLE YOU CAN'T JUST IGNORE ME ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS........
So yeah, my heart broke. I'm pretty sure they are dating and that actually explains a lot.
You know I kept wondering; why didn't he ask me to hang out again? Why doesn't he text me? And when he does, why does he stop replying in the middle of a conversation all the time?
Well, now I know. He has a girlfriend and didn't feel the need to tell me..
I just don't get it though. Why did he do the things he did when he doesn't have any feelings for me or if he thinks I'm annoying? He probably thought I was cool at the beginning but when he got to know me better he decided that I was a pain in the ass and started to slowly ignore me more and more so that he wouldn't have to confront me about how annoying he thinks I am.
I just feel so stupid for believing that we could actually get together at some point. Hell.. Or that he liked me. I am so fucking naive. I hate myself for letting a guy get to me the way he did.
I swear I won't ever get as attached to a guy as much as I was attached to him. I'm done with getting hurt and over-thinking every-fucking-thing a guy said or did. The next time I'm interested in someone I'm going to directly ask where this whole thing is going and I won't run after him like a fucking dog. I'm not going through this again.
I deleted all of his texts. All my screencaps of cute things he said to me. All his Facebook messages. All his pictures.
Thank god.
Of course I cried when I arrived home after seeing them and then I thought "hey, while I'm at it, I can also read this old message on Facebook I found from my father to whom I haven't talked to in 8 years".
Haha, what a great Idea. What a really fucking great Idea.
His message killed me. It made me feel like a horrible person and I cried even more. God, I couldn't stop crying.. My friend called and she was like "Hey how are you?" and I couldn't even say anything I just straight up started to cry and it took me a little to calm down. I told her everything and it helped but well, I needed my best friend M who was at this carneval party as I mentioned earlier.
Thank god M said she'd come. At 12pm we met outside and the moment I saw her I started to cry my eyes out again. This went on for some time and then we ended up walking around in our city and talking.
I'm really lucky to have someone like her in my life. Shes family and I can't imagine life without her. Walking and talking helped me so so so much and I'm alright now.
I mean, yeah, it still hurts and I'm angry and sad because of what happened, but I'm feeling better.
Tomorrow is a new day.
Labels: angry, life, life lesson, love, love life, sad, thoughts