My first boyfriend
written on Wednesday, 7 October 2015 @ 23:42 ♡
I've been neglecting this blog like crazy and I haven't told anyone about the url change so I don't know if any of my affiliates still visit my page (probably not) but if for some reason you came across my blog and remember that we were/are affies; I'm sorry for not informing you. I just stopped posting on the regular and I feel like me always changing my url is burdening everyone so I didn't inform you... sorry
05.08. - Okay, so I don't really know when whe started to be a couple but our first time hanging out (apparently it wasn't a date.......according to him.. it was one for me though..) was that day.
I've never had a boyfriend before so this everything is kind of confusing and new to me. Before J there has only been one guy I fell for, B. who frankly speaking, broke my heart and spit on it lmfao. Ugly fucking piece of shit.
It took me some time to really fall for J but a few days ago I realised that I might love him. Of course I haven't told him, oh god, I'd never say it first!! I wonder if he feels the same way, though. I still can't believe someone like him is interested in someone like me. He is amazing, cute, attentive, nice af, just perfect.
And I'm just... not like that. At all. Don't get me wrong: I love myself. I think im great but for some reason it's still a mistery to me how some people also think of me as someone who's great,.. if that makes any sense.
I just wonder what he sees in me...
And I am just so fucking scared of being in love with him. Earlier in class, I almost started to cry because I realised how vulnerable I am because of that. One day he'll break up with me and I'll be heart broken. I mean I felt terrible with what happened with B and we NEVER DATED and only hung out a few times... Imagine how I'll feel after my frist boyfriend who I hung out with almost every day breaks up with me.....
Another thing bothering me is that I just really want to make him happy. I want to be attentive as well but it's so hard??????? I mean I feel like it's so easy to make me happy but I literally have no idea what to do to surprise him without spending any money (bc I don't have any atm) and without cooking something (no one wants to eat my food......). I thought about doing one of those "I love you because..."-Jars, but then again, we haven't said the L-word, yet, so...................................
hELP!!
It's so weird having a boyfriend. I think about him all day and when I don't see him I miss him like crazy. That never happened before, even with B. I mean yes, I guess I did miss him over summer break and stuff like that but never like I miss J. But then again part of me thinks that my "love" for B was only imagination since we never really got along that well anyways..
God I just want to talk about him all day and kiss his stupid face what have I become I wonder if I'm that thirsty because I'm on my period rn...... smh