So the guy I talked about in my previous post, A, he and I continued to text and he didn’t stop flirting even though I mentioned his fiancé and everything. I have to admit, I could’ve easily stopped talking to him but I still thought this whole thing was exciting somehow. I’m an idiot, I know.
So yeah, basically yesterday he asked me to come to visit him at work. I went there an hour earlier than him to, you know, actually study since I do have a few exams comming up soon.
When his shift began I started to get nervous. I mean we hadn’t seen each other after the bus incident.. What if things would be awkward?
Things were alright though. My nervousness disappeared and we talked a little when he came tot he 2nd floor and visited me haha. He then continued to put back some books and then I got a text in which he asked if I wanted to go to this „Cinema room“ where you can watch DVDs and stuff (yes the library I work at is rly cool). I immediately knew that he definitely did not want to just watch a fucking movie and got nervous again. But I agreed to go there, though. I thought hey, I can always leave and I think I’d regret rejecting him so..
We went to this room and chose a zombie movie. When the movie started I noticed him looking at me and when I turned my head he suddenly kissed me. Or should I say attacked me?????
I have little to no experience with kissing so everything was a little overwhelming. Instead of starting slow and with sweet kisses he literally just pushed his tounge down my throat…………… not sexy at all.
I stopped him to kind of clear my thoughts and to remember everything I read about kissing lmao.. but of course I didn’t tell him that. I asked him about his fiancé and how he could do this to her if he loves her. He told me he loves her. So I asked him why he’s kissing me then and he said it was because he likes me. What the fuck. He honestly didn’t have a bad conciousness AT ALL and I don’t think that he understood that what he was doing was wrong. What a fucking moron. But whatever, call me heartless or an egoist but I didn’t really care about all of that. I just needed time to think about whether I’d kiss him again or just leave.
After some awkward silence and me doing a pro and contra list I said ok whatever let’s continue. So we did.
And boy, he kept french kissing me the whole time. . it didn’t get better. And I didn’t feel a thing. He started to touch me, too, which also didn’t really do it for me.
I kind of always imagined us kissing to be a little more… hot?? Exciting?? W a little less tounge??? I thought it would be sexy to do something so „scandalous“ and forbidden I guess, but no,.. nothing.
I just felt empty and bored lol
So then I was like ok.. let’s stop now I’ll continue to study. And he was like right as if you could concentrate now. And I just thought why whouldn’t I be able to???? ITS NOT LIKE ANYTHING EXCITING HAPPENED ???
So yeah.
After that I stayed for another 30mins and then I went to go home. Downstairs he must’ve noticed that I wasn’t happy with the whole sitaution or that I looked disappointed bc he later messaged me „r u ok you looked annoyed“ and I just blamed it on a friend saying that she annoyed me with something instead of telling him that I’m thinking about whether I could pass as an asexual after our make out session…
Labels: first kiss, life, love, love life, work
On the 14th of June I lost my kissing-virginity. And before you ask; yes I am 18 years old and have never kissed anyone before that day.
I always wanted my first kiss to be something special. I imagined it to be super romantic with someone I’m deeply in love with (I’ve only really liked someone once so..) and expected to see unicorns or fireworks and shit.. I dont even know why I thought kissing would be that ‘magical’ because in the end, it was nothing like that.
My best friend and I were at this party we weren’t even invited to.. my friend’s friend basically begged us to go and that was actually the only reason we were there. The party was one of the lamest parties I’ve ever been to, so to have at least a little bit of fun we decided to drink more alcohol than we planned and I ended up talking to this guy who told me about his tragic past and how his father died because of drugs. I think we talked for about 3 hours and I thought that he seemed like a really nice and decent person since he also liked Naruto and told me that he was studying japanese, which I found fascinating!
Yeah, stupid to assume a person’s character based on whether they like an anime or not but well, like I said, I was drunk.
(And let’s be honest; Naruto isn’t just any anime! So my judgment was actually kind of justified okay!?)
After a while I somehow started to think; Should I just kiss him? I mean it’s now or never and it’s not like I’m interested in seeing him again so it wouldn’t be embarrassing if I messed up…
When he went to the toilet my best friend came up to me and I told her about my “inner conflict”. She then said I should just try it if I wanted to, so when he came back and she left, I decided that I would just get it over with. How romantic, right? Ha, I know, I know, you shouldn’t ‘waste’ your first kiss like that but you can’t always get what you want, right?
We continued to talk a lot, well… he talked. I, for the most part, just listened and tried to think of a way to start making out with him. Should I just interrupt him and kiss him or wait untill he’s done with talking? I kind of chickened out, though, and got angry at myself, but when my friend told me that we had to leave, I was like okay whatever fuck it! I hugged him goodbye, kissed him on the cheek first and then really kissed him and left.
No fireworks, no unicorns, no romantic feelings. And we didn’t make out for real but well, I we did kiss so that counts. And even though it was nothing like I imagined, I’m still glad I did it because I realized how unnecessary my worries and how incredibly unrealistic my expectations were. A kiss isn’t something special.
Labels: first kiss, love life, regular
