My first love
written on Saturday, 24 January 2015 @ 17:32 ♡
He is probably the only guy I ever really had feelings for. Ever since that one time he sat down with me and listened to all the shit problems I had that time and gave me advice there hasn't been anyone else for me. That was in 9th or 10th grade, three years ago. Back then we didn't talk that much outside from Facebook since I never knew what to say to him irl and also I didn't dare to approach him. I guess that was because I put him on some sort of pedestal. He was one of the popular guys in my eyes and I never understood how someone with as many friends as him could talk to me. I still know exactly how excited I got when he asked me for my number. I liked him so much I even ended up drinking over him with my best friend, who also had heart ache over a stupid boy.
After graduation last year we still occasionally talked on WhatsApp or Snapchat and one day he ended up sending me this really long message about how he still remembers everything we "went through", I guess. I then asked him if he wants to meet up for coffee sometimes, since I really missed him. My feelings for him have been on and off throughout those 3 years and the day we met I was so disappointed. He seemed in a bad mood and overall the whole thing was awkward even though we talked for 2 hours or something. After that day we didn't talk as much anymore and my feelings were pretty much gone.
At the beginning of January this year he then suddenly asked me to hang out again since I told him I just downloaded the first season of Misfits and he said he'd like to watch it together. I was surprised but agreed to meet at his place and holy fuck, I got really excited even though I didn't feel anything for him anymore. Maybe I only felt like this because I had never been at a guy's house ALONE before.
His room was nice.
When we were sitting on his bed watching the show, all I could think of was making out with him and even more. I have literally never ever wanted to sleep with a guy I know in real life; usually I used to swoon over Zayn Malik or Dylan O'Brien... So yeah, there was that.
At one point he got a blanket for us and our shoulders and legs touched and it drove me so crazy I couldn't focus on the goddamn show. I remember that the moment I got out of the bus and I had to leave him, I instantly missed him again.
Two weeks passed and I asked him if he wants to come over to my place to watch the second season of Misfits. My mum was in Poland so it wasn't as uncomfortable as I imagined when he came to my house. We watched the first 4 episodes of the show and then I suggested to play Monopoly. Playing games is kind of our thing, I guess. I usually lose at everything and he ends up being the champion so this time I wanted to win! As a joke I suggested to play "the adult verison" of the game, using vodka and he actually agreed to it. Of course, I lost.. again and when I couldn't pay rent for this one street he asked me to hand over my sweater in return. He had always fancied that Iron Man sweater I once got from the UrbanOutfitters men's section. It suited him really well and if it wasn't my favourite sweater, I would've let him keep it. Since I lost, I was wasted but he on the other hand only drank 3 glasses at most, so he was only a little drunk. I don't really remember how that happened but he started to read my Tumblr messages and I freaked out.
I remembered that there are messages of me talking about HIM to some other people on there and I got so scared he might read them so I tried stopping him. We ended up "fighting" on my bed and the whole time we were basically holding hands and our fingers were entertwining. He made me hug him from behind and he tickled me. At some point my head was lying on his legs and shit and god I just really wanted to kiss him but I didn't dare to. I don't know who suggested it but when we finished our little fight we decided to watch a horror movie. It was around 3am.
He got a blanket again and we kind of snuggled up underneath it. Fucking hell just thinking about this makes me want to throw up because of those shit ass butterflies in my stomach...... Because it was so late I asked him if he wants to sleep over and he said yes. When we finished watching the movie I went to get ready for bed and layed next to him. I didn't think much about it but when I woke up the next morning I almost had a heart attack. THERE WAS A MAN IN MY BED!!! I actually had a guy sleeping next to me holy fuck how did that happen.....................???? But well, it was nice and I REALLY wanted to hug him (and do other stuff hehe) but again, I didn't have the courage to do that so I just stared at him from time to time like a total creep. When he woke up for real I pretended to wake up too and we just sat around and talked and stuff. It was a little awkward for me to be honest, but still nice, I guess?
He ended up staying at my house till 7pm and when he left he returned my sweater which I still haven't washed because it smells like him (and god, when he took it off I could see his back...........I LOVE men's backs..........so much....so.so..so... so much).
FML someone please make this stop I feel like a crazy person. Whatever I do, I think of him and how he touched me. This is the worst...
We actually planned to meet again a few days after but he got sick so now I'm left sitting on my bed remembering what it felt like hugging him.
I really like this boy :(
After graduation last year we still occasionally talked on WhatsApp or Snapchat and one day he ended up sending me this really long message about how he still remembers everything we "went through", I guess. I then asked him if he wants to meet up for coffee sometimes, since I really missed him. My feelings for him have been on and off throughout those 3 years and the day we met I was so disappointed. He seemed in a bad mood and overall the whole thing was awkward even though we talked for 2 hours or something. After that day we didn't talk as much anymore and my feelings were pretty much gone.
At the beginning of January this year he then suddenly asked me to hang out again since I told him I just downloaded the first season of Misfits and he said he'd like to watch it together. I was surprised but agreed to meet at his place and holy fuck, I got really excited even though I didn't feel anything for him anymore. Maybe I only felt like this because I had never been at a guy's house ALONE before.
His room was nice.
When we were sitting on his bed watching the show, all I could think of was making out with him and even more. I have literally never ever wanted to sleep with a guy I know in real life; usually I used to swoon over Zayn Malik or Dylan O'Brien... So yeah, there was that.
At one point he got a blanket for us and our shoulders and legs touched and it drove me so crazy I couldn't focus on the goddamn show. I remember that the moment I got out of the bus and I had to leave him, I instantly missed him again.
Two weeks passed and I asked him if he wants to come over to my place to watch the second season of Misfits. My mum was in Poland so it wasn't as uncomfortable as I imagined when he came to my house. We watched the first 4 episodes of the show and then I suggested to play Monopoly. Playing games is kind of our thing, I guess. I usually lose at everything and he ends up being the champion so this time I wanted to win! As a joke I suggested to play "the adult verison" of the game, using vodka and he actually agreed to it. Of course, I lost.. again and when I couldn't pay rent for this one street he asked me to hand over my sweater in return. He had always fancied that Iron Man sweater I once got from the UrbanOutfitters men's section. It suited him really well and if it wasn't my favourite sweater, I would've let him keep it. Since I lost, I was wasted but he on the other hand only drank 3 glasses at most, so he was only a little drunk. I don't really remember how that happened but he started to read my Tumblr messages and I freaked out.
I remembered that there are messages of me talking about HIM to some other people on there and I got so scared he might read them so I tried stopping him. We ended up "fighting" on my bed and the whole time we were basically holding hands and our fingers were entertwining. He made me hug him from behind and he tickled me. At some point my head was lying on his legs and shit and god I just really wanted to kiss him but I didn't dare to. I don't know who suggested it but when we finished our little fight we decided to watch a horror movie. It was around 3am.
He got a blanket again and we kind of snuggled up underneath it. Fucking hell just thinking about this makes me want to throw up because of those shit ass butterflies in my stomach...... Because it was so late I asked him if he wants to sleep over and he said yes. When we finished watching the movie I went to get ready for bed and layed next to him. I didn't think much about it but when I woke up the next morning I almost had a heart attack. THERE WAS A MAN IN MY BED!!! I actually had a guy sleeping next to me holy fuck how did that happen.....................???? But well, it was nice and I REALLY wanted to hug him (and do other stuff hehe) but again, I didn't have the courage to do that so I just stared at him from time to time like a total creep. When he woke up for real I pretended to wake up too and we just sat around and talked and stuff. It was a little awkward for me to be honest, but still nice, I guess?
He ended up staying at my house till 7pm and when he left he returned my sweater which I still haven't washed because it smells like him (and god, when he took it off I could see his back...........I LOVE men's backs..........so much....so.so..so... so much).
FML someone please make this stop I feel like a crazy person. Whatever I do, I think of him and how he touched me. This is the worst...
We actually planned to meet again a few days after but he got sick so now I'm left sitting on my bed remembering what it felt like hugging him.
I really like this boy :(